Yes, for those of you who are only in Yahoo! fantasy leagues, ignorance is bliss. You don't how much better the ESPN format is for fantasy football. I've never met someone who's played in both formats and doesn't overwhelmingly prefer ESPN. Up until now, it's just been a personal preference that Yahoo! was inferior to ESPN regarding the webpage setup, the phone app, the player search engine, and just overall color scheme, not to mention the live "stat tracker." It was, simply, annoying, and while I complained to other folks in the league about using Yahoo!, it was more of a bitch session than an argument for change.
Well, now I'm making an argument for change. The customization options for Yahoo! for playoff teams and seedings is non-existent. The only way I can customize the playoffs to our format is to individually change the scores in individual weeks. As the person who has volunteered to do it, it fucking sucks. And on top of it, the changes won't take place for 24 hours, after the Thursday games have already started. There's no guarantee the changes will happen in time, and quite honestly, its fun to keep the history of individual match ups and records. If I have to change them every year, the history changes, and while many of you may think of me as a Stalin-esque dictator, I have no desire to rewrite the history books. ESPN simply lets me click and drag the teams to their playoff seeding. It takes 45 seconds. We gotta move to ESPN next year. I know some of you are resistant to change, and I get it, so am I, but believe me, you'll see the light once the season starts next year.
This is my phone number 239.293.9948 text me or email me at murph0969@gmail.com your ESPN username/account information or the email associated with your ESPN account as well as your team name. If you don't have an ESPN account, get one. It's almost 2015... get with the times. If you don't like it...
So to make things easier, I'm going to give every team an individual update on the season and playoff situation. Even though maybe four of you will read this, it is on record, and I'm simply following the rules laid out at the beginning of the season before the draft. And on a side note, even with the AWESOME new playoff format we're using, the exact same teams that made the playoffs this year would also have made the playoffs in the old format as well (which is what Yahoo! is currently showing), with only a slightly different order in the seedings.
So without further ado, I provide you with the ACTUAL Playoff Order and Teams you'll be playing regardless, of what Yahoo! says.
Final Regular Season Standings- Playoff Teams
1. Punisher 1848 points (10-4) Division Champion
--First Round- Bye
--Semis- Winner of (4)The Analrapists vs (5)Pinga Dulce
Bill, I got to hand it to you, you finally did it. You turned around close to a decade of utterly, utterly terrible fantasy football. I mean, ugly, embarrassing, Oakland Raider level fantasy football. You have been the "Taco" of the league for as long as I can remember. Since before the existence of the show "The League" and a Taco character existed. I just assumed they built Taco out of a less high version of you. I mean, I was really hoping to see you draft Randy Moss this year.
But you did't draft Randy Moss, Bill. You drafted Andrew Luck, DeMarco Murray, and T.Y. "Mother Fuckin" Hilton. Good job Bill. You must have stayed at a Holiday Inn the night the before the draft. You have overwhelmingly won the Overall Point Total Regular Season, and, deservedly so, you have also won $50. I'm proud of you buddy. You're officially a man now.
And not only that, but you've earned a bye in the first round and you'll be playing the winner of the match up between The Analrapists and Pinga Dulce. I'm hoping you play me. And that Luck and Hilton run into each other coming out of the tunnel, get tangled up, and both get high ankle sprains that aren't career threatening, just shelves them for the rest of the season. After all, I'm not completely heartless.
2. Li Jets 1634 points (9-5) Division Champion
--First Round- Bye
--Semis- Winner of (3)My Balls Hurt vs (6)Tobias' Queen Mary
John, I don't know who you are, and who decided to invite you into this league so you could dominate all of us like little school girls, but you're in, and goddammit, you're fucking good. For the sake of this meme, you're Slater to all of us. Congratulations. He's a stud, and so are you. You are what I refer to as "The Opposite of Punisher".
FUN FACT: Li Jets is the only team to make the playoffs both last year and this year!
FUN FACT: Human Geno Project/Zombie Trayvon is the only team to not make playoffs either last year or this year!
Somehow you were able to draft Peyton Manning, Calvin Johnson, and Rob Gronkowski. How the fuck did that happen? But seriously Li Jets, Runner-Up in 2012, Champion in 2013... your resume is pretty amazing considering this is your third year in the league. I hate you.
3. My Balls Hurt 1634 points (9-5) Division Winner
--First Round- vs. (6)Tobias' Queen Mary
--Semis if you win- Li Jets
Jeff, our beloved commissioner, you've done an amazing job this season. You were a small part of making a baby this year (that small part being your penis- COMEDY!), and you've still not only managed to put together a playoff berth, but you've won your division as well. "Grant"ed (you see what I did there?), you scored the 7th most points over the course of the season and ostensibly would be out of the playoffs if you didn't destroy your weak ass division (yeah, I'm talking to you, the rest of his weak ass division), you still did it. And I'm guessing you'll forget to fill out your lineup this week and just give Nick/Tobias' an easy first round victory. Nick is so lucky at fantasy football. Ratfarts.
4. The Analrapists (world's first Analyst AND Therapist) 1746 points (8-6) Second Overall Points
--First Round- vs. Pinga Dulce
--Semis if I win- Fucking Punisher
Not this year, folks! WHOO-HOO!! I was the second overall point scorer this year, despite my 5th and 6th round picks being autodrafted (Victor Cruz, who had one good week before going on IR, and Larry Fitzgerald, who's had the worst season of his career). Now, I wanted to draft Joique Bell, who's been okay at best, and Cordarrelle Patterson, who can only be described as slightly worse than a dumpster fire and slightly better than Obama's second term.
Not even lying, a google image search of "Cordarrelle Patterson meme" came up with this.
I've kept my team patched together with scotch tape and 1-cent stamps moistened by my tears. All season I've been forced to utilize the waivers, considerably more than anybody else in the league. Mostly because my bench is terrible. My team's hot right now (Leveon Bell, thank you for smoking all that weed before the draft, allowing you to drop all the way to the 4th round... Legarrette Blount, your poor influences will always have a soft spot in my heart). Please please please Jimmy Graham, get healthy. Ugh, I care about fantasy football too much.
This picture is a just littttttle too close to reality.
5. Pinga Dulce 1623 points (7-7)
--First Round- vs. The Analrapists
--Semis if you win- Li Jets
I have no idea what Pinga Dulce means, but this is the first picture that came up after a google image search. Swear to god. I can only imagine this is, indeed, Alex. Nice stache, Alex.
Alex, I'll be honest, I don't know who you are, but your team is fucking dirty this year. How are you not better? Obviously Josh McCown is clearly a desperation move, and Brady's early season slump probably hurt, and the fact that Julius Thomas' has been in the training room the last few weeks doesn't help, Edelman has been up and down, you're playing Brandon LaFell, you drafted Colin Kaepernick early... oh wait, that's why your team hasn't been better. But hey, with Julius Thomas looking healthy and Manning not throwing a td last week, I'm scared shitless to play you. Seriously, I'm guessing Thomas catches three tds, Brady throws two tds to Edelman, and, somehow, Marshawn Lynch THROWS a td pass, to himself, and gets double the points, destroying my dream of a league championship. FML.
6. Tobias' Queen Mary 1591 (10-4)
--First Round- vs. My Balls Hurt
--Semis if you win- vs. Li Jets
We do have a mess on our hands, don't we Nick. Nick was able to have the ridiculous record of 10-4 (that's where he shot his wad), and was unbelievably just a Fitzmagic start away in Week 13 from the Division title over Punisher and a first round bye. All while scoring a paltry 1591 points. That's 5th overall, 155 points behind me, and a whopping 257 points(!) behind Bill (wow Bill, you really crushed it this year). I did a little research, and his Margin of Victory this year was, not surprisingly, the smallest of anyone in the league at 12 points. Interestingly enough, his Margin of Defeat was ALSO the smallest of anyone this year, at 17 points. No wonder he's turning gray prematurely... lots of close ones. Oops, I hope I didn't steal your thunder.
I will say, Nick may have the best bench of anybody in the playoffs. And he's been absolutely ridiculously loaded at running back. If LeSean McCoy had lived up to his #1 Overall Draft Position... I don't even want to think about it.
Well, that's it for the playoff teams. Congratulations to all of us. I'd like to give a special shout out to my homeboys Bill (Punisher) and Nick (Tobias'), as well as a pat on the back to myself, as we were the only division with three teams to make the playoffs. And Human Geno, while once again you failed to make the playoffs, you were 8th overall in total points and still went 6-8 in what was clearly an incredibly difficult division. Kudos.
Final Regular Season Standings- Loser's Bracket
Alright losers, you can go back and read why these games still matter by looking at the preseason blog posts, but here's a quick reminder. You don't long fancy write-ups like the playoff teams do, because 1) It's late and this is time consuming and I'm tired, and 2) you didn't make the playoffs. You don't deserve to be told jokes only I think are funny.
If you win this tournament, you get first choice of which Draft Slot you want. If you want the First Overall Pick, it's yours. If you prefer to pick at the 12 slot and immediately get the next pick at 13, have at it. Second place gets next, and so on. Pay attention to posts a few weeks ahead of the draft next season... this could get complicated and communication with me to make sure everybody has a draft slot selection in place in time is paramount. So, don't pay attention to what Yahoo! says you're playing. Make sure you fill out your roster every week, and play to the end of the whistle.
7. Way Over Due 1577 points (7-7)
--First Round- Bye
--Second Round- Winner of (10)Fly Eagles Fly vs. (11)The Screwitups
Your baby is probably growing pubes in your womb it's so over due.
8. Human Geno Project 1545 points (6-8)
--First Round- Bye
--Second Round- Winner of (9)Pink Juice vs. (12)Beats by Ray
9. Pink Juice 1517 points (6-8)
--First Round- vs. (12)Beats by Ray
--Semis if you win- vs. (8) Human Geno Project
I AM NOT showing the actual picture that showed up when I google imaged "pink juice". Probably should have changed my google settings BEFOREHAND.
10. Fly Eagles Fly 1516 points (4-10)
--First Round- vs. (11)The Screwitups
--Semis if you win- vs. (7) Way Over Due
11. The Screwitups 1398 points (5-9)
--First Round- vs. (10)Fly Eagles Fly
--Semis if you win- vs. (8)Human Geno Project
12. Beats by Ray 1373 points (3-11)
--First Round- vs. (9)Pink Juice
--Semis if you win- vs. (8)Human Geno Project
Beats, you may have had the worst team in the league this year, but, you had by far the best team name. And I applaud you for that sir. Can everybody at home please give a small head nod and quick golf clap for this classless and awesomely disturbing pun? You're a hero.
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