And based on all the feedback I've gotten (nada), none of you guys do either. You're all a bunch of         murderous angel dust enraged gangsters. 

Draft Order

Two things I want to change regarding draft order folks. Stay with me on this one. There's a lot here.

Alright guys, last year we just let Yahoo randomly determine draft order. No fun. I think that's garbage. I want to determine the draft order based on last year's results, and even more fun, I want to reward non-playoff teams who play their best lineups through the entire 17 weeks of regular season NFL football. No dreaming of the off-season for us anymore. No planning vacations or hitting the golf course. We play to the last snap!

Okay, so based on REGULAR Yahoo settings and their standards, this would be our Draft Slot Selection Order (I'll explain Draft Slot Selection Order in just a minute, but believe me, I think you'll like it) for the upcoming season (based on end of season reverse standings). 

1. Punisher

2. The Analrapists

3. Zombie Trayvon

4. Pinga Dulce

5. Tobias's Queen Mary

6. My Balls Hurt

7. Way Over DUE

8. Pink Juice

9. Hernandez Hit List

10. FlyEaglesFly

11. The Screwitups

12. Li Jets

This is NOT the selection style order that I'm proposing we do for the 2015 Draft, but since no one knew there was anything at stake during the Consolation/Losers Tournament (see next paragraph), I can understand why some people would want to go this direction. This style REWARDS the worst teams during the regular season. Punisher and The Analrapists (that's ME!) sucked. We gave up during the regular season. While I don't think anyone purposefully tanked, in the future teams that maybe didn't play their ideal lineups each week COULD be rewarded for sucking. And that sucks. 

My proposal is to play a Consolation Tournament for the teams that don't make the playoffs. The winners of the tournament will be rewarded by receiving the top Draft Slot Selection Order (I know you don't know what this means yet, but soon enough). For example, My Balls Hurt and Tobias's Queen Mary just missed out on the playoffs. They put together a solid team, but lost a few close games and missed out on the promised land. But that shouldn't be the end of their season, nor should they be punished (ironically enough, by Punisher--> COMEDY!!) with a poor Draft Slot Selection Order (be patient). On the contrary, we're going to give them the best shot to win the Consolation Tournament, and therefore FIRST OVERALL Draft Slot Selection Order! From now on I'm going to refer to Draft Slot Selection Order as DSSO. It's just a bitch to type. The 7th and 8th ranked teams based on the regular season will get a BYE in the first round of the Consolation Tournament. It will look something like this.

First Round (Week 15) - 7 and 8 get a bye

                                      - 9 plays 12-- And 12 Wins

                                      - 10 plays 11-- And 10 Wins

Second Round (Week 16) - 7 plays "lowest" seeded winner (12), and 7 Wins

                                          - 8 plays "highest" seeded winner (10), and 10 Wins

                                          - 9 vs 11 play for 5th DSSO (lets say 9 wins), Loser (11) gets 6th DSSO!

Third Round (Week 17) - 7 vs 10, and 7 Wins-- 7 won 1st Overall DSSO!

                                        - 8 vs 12, and 12 Wins-- 12 came back to win 3rd DSSO!

The Playoff teams DSSO would be a little different, because the top three playoff winners get money. Screw them. We don't want them getting any advantage next year. So the Champion automatically gets 12th DSSO, Runner-up 11th DSSO, and Third Place 10th DSSO. Fuckers. 

4th Place in the Playoff Tournament automatically gets the 7th DSSO, and the Winner of the two teams that don't make the Semifinals play a consolation game in Week 16, with the winner earning the 8th DSSO, loser getting the 9th.

Get it?

No. 

Confused?

Yes.

Who cares?!! Just trust me. Win every game you play, and you'll be rewarded. And that's FUN!!!

This might be a little too close to home.

Based on last year's results of the Consolation Playoff, this would be the Draft Slot Selection Order assuming we adopt my format (kind of... the seedings would change and the Butterfly Effect would kick in [Ashton Kutcher fans know what I'm talking about-- and that one Simpson's Treehouse of Horror episode where Homer goes back in time, and sneezes on that dinosaur, and it changes everything, and he ends up going back in time, like, three times trying to get things back to normal, and he gets pretty close on the last try, except everyone has lizard tongues, and he's like "Eh, close enough". That's a great episode. What were we talking about? Oh yeah] and change everything... and I don't want to go back and look up individual scores and put together what WOULD have happened exactly because I'm tired and that's time consuming).

1- The Analrapists (yes, that's me... don't hate because my boys got hot in the Consolation Playoffs)

2- Tobias's Queen Mary

3- Pinga Dulce

4- My Balls Hurt

5- Zombie Trayvon

6- Punisher

7- Hernandez Hit List

8- Pink Juice

9- Way Over DUE

10- FlyEaglesFly

11- The Screwitups 

12- Li Jets

Punisher gets punished (again, COMEDY!) in this format. He sucked during the regular season, and continued sucking in the Consolation Tournament, and instead of getting the First Overall DSSO, he gets 6th. Next year he'll be more motivated to stop lawyering and making thousands upon thousands of dollars more than the rest of us, and start getting his priorities straight- Fantasy Football!!!

Oh, so you remember how I told you there'd be two parts to this Draft Order Post? No, I've written so much and you've had to stop reading because your boss has looked over your shoulder at your computer screen, like, three times now, so, yeah, what were we talking about again?

Well, its what's on all our minds-- Draft Slot Selection Order!!

 

So, long story short (it's late and I'm tired), DSSO (as I'm now calling it), means that each manager will be able to select the Draft Pick that individual manager thinks is the strongest slot. So, using the first format I mentioned above (the one where Punisher gets First DSSO) order i mentioned, instead of Punisher AUTOMATICALLY having the First Overall Pick, and therefore the 24th Overall Pick (snake draft folks, snake draft), he gets to pick whichever Draft Slot he wants (making sense?).

 Let's say Punisher doesn't really think there's a big difference between the first four consensus players going off the board in most mock drafts (AP, Shady McCoy, Jamaal Charles, and Matt Forte), and really wants Peyton Manning and he thinks he'll drop to the 5th Draft Slot. So instead of being forced into 1st and 24, he'll select 5th, then 20th (the 8th pick in the Second Round) where he's got a better chance at that RB he's got his eye. 

Some managers prefer drafting at the 12th Slot (called "The Turn" in snake drafts... for you non-Fantasy Football nerds). They get to immediately make their next selection (the 13th, or the first pick in the second round), and only have to worry about getting their sleepers getting poached once every two rounds. 

Just to show how little highest draft order matters, this is the draft order from last year:

1- Zombie Trayvon - 9th in regular season

2- Way Over DUE - 6th PLAYOFFS

3- Pinga Dulce - 10th in regular season

4- The Analrapists - 11th in regular season

5- FlyEaglesFly - 4th PLAYOFFS

6- Hernadez Hit List -3rd PLAYOFFS

7- Tobias's Queen Mary -8th in regular season

8- Li Jets - 1st- CHAMPION

9- Punisher - 12th BUM

10- My Balls Hurt - 7th in regular season

11- The Screwitups - 2nd FINALS

12- Pink Juice - 5th PLAYOFFS

Of the first four picks, only ONE team made the playoffs. Higher draft picks don't necessarily translate into on the field success.

Okay, so that was a lot. Let me know what you think we should for draft order this year. And do it fast. Once we determine DSSO, I need to figure out how to get everyone's Slot Selections in a timely manner. I want them in a week before the draft.

Bill, prayer is important, but God isn't listening.