And based on all the feedback I've gotten (nada), none of you guys do either. You're all a bunch of         murderous angel dust enraged gangsters. 

Draft Order

Two things I want to change regarding draft order folks. Stay with me on this one. There's a lot here.

Alright guys, last year we just let Yahoo randomly determine draft order. No fun. I think that's garbage. I want to determine the draft order based on last year's results, and even more fun, I want to reward non-playoff teams who play their best lineups through the entire 17 weeks of regular season NFL football. No dreaming of the off-season for us anymore. No planning vacations or hitting the golf course. We play to the last snap!

Okay, so based on REGULAR Yahoo settings and their standards, this would be our Draft Slot Selection Order (I'll explain Draft Slot Selection Order in just a minute, but believe me, I think you'll like it) for the upcoming season (based on end of season reverse standings). 

1. Punisher

2. The Analrapists

3. Zombie Trayvon

4. Pinga Dulce

5. Tobias's Queen Mary

6. My Balls Hurt

7. Way Over DUE

8. Pink Juice

9. Hernandez Hit List

10. FlyEaglesFly

11. The Screwitups

12. Li Jets

This is NOT the selection style order that I'm proposing we do for the 2015 Draft, but since no one knew there was anything at stake during the Consolation/Losers Tournament (see next paragraph), I can understand why some people would want to go this direction. This style REWARDS the worst teams during the regular season. Punisher and The Analrapists (that's ME!) sucked. We gave up during the regular season. While I don't think anyone purposefully tanked, in the future teams that maybe didn't play their ideal lineups each week COULD be rewarded for sucking. And that sucks. 

My proposal is to play a Consolation Tournament for the teams that don't make the playoffs. The winners of the tournament will be rewarded by receiving the top Draft Slot Selection Order (I know you don't know what this means yet, but soon enough). For example, My Balls Hurt and Tobias's Queen Mary just missed out on the playoffs. They put together a solid team, but lost a few close games and missed out on the promised land. But that shouldn't be the end of their season, nor should they be punished (ironically enough, by Punisher--> COMEDY!!) with a poor Draft Slot Selection Order (be patient). On the contrary, we're going to give them the best shot to win the Consolation Tournament, and therefore FIRST OVERALL Draft Slot Selection Order! From now on I'm going to refer to Draft Slot Selection Order as DSSO. It's just a bitch to type. The 7th and 8th ranked teams based on the regular season will get a BYE in the first round of the Consolation Tournament. It will look something like this.

First Round (Week 15) - 7 and 8 get a bye

                                      - 9 plays 12-- And 12 Wins

                                      - 10 plays 11-- And 10 Wins

Second Round (Week 16) - 7 plays "lowest" seeded winner (12), and 7 Wins

                                          - 8 plays "highest" seeded winner (10), and 10 Wins

                                          - 9 vs 11 play for 5th DSSO (lets say 9 wins), Loser (11) gets 6th DSSO!

Third Round (Week 17) - 7 vs 10, and 7 Wins-- 7 won 1st Overall DSSO!

                                        - 8 vs 12, and 12 Wins-- 12 came back to win 3rd DSSO!

The Playoff teams DSSO would be a little different, because the top three playoff winners get money. Screw them. We don't want them getting any advantage next year. So the Champion automatically gets 12th DSSO, Runner-up 11th DSSO, and Third Place 10th DSSO. Fuckers. 

4th Place in the Playoff Tournament automatically gets the 7th DSSO, and the Winner of the two teams that don't make the Semifinals play a consolation game in Week 16, with the winner earning the 8th DSSO, loser getting the 9th.

Get it?

No. 

Confused?

Yes.

Who cares?!! Just trust me. Win every game you play, and you'll be rewarded. And that's FUN!!!

This might be a little too close to home.

Based on last year's results of the Consolation Playoff, this would be the Draft Slot Selection Order assuming we adopt my format (kind of... the seedings would change and the Butterfly Effect would kick in [Ashton Kutcher fans know what I'm talking about-- and that one Simpson's Treehouse of Horror episode where Homer goes back in time, and sneezes on that dinosaur, and it changes everything, and he ends up going back in time, like, three times trying to get things back to normal, and he gets pretty close on the last try, except everyone has lizard tongues, and he's like "Eh, close enough". That's a great episode. What were we talking about? Oh yeah] and change everything... and I don't want to go back and look up individual scores and put together what WOULD have happened exactly because I'm tired and that's time consuming).

1- The Analrapists (yes, that's me... don't hate because my boys got hot in the Consolation Playoffs)

2- Tobias's Queen Mary

3- Pinga Dulce

4- My Balls Hurt

5- Zombie Trayvon

6- Punisher

7- Hernandez Hit List

8- Pink Juice

9- Way Over DUE

10- FlyEaglesFly

11- The Screwitups 

12- Li Jets

Punisher gets punished (again, COMEDY!) in this format. He sucked during the regular season, and continued sucking in the Consolation Tournament, and instead of getting the First Overall DSSO, he gets 6th. Next year he'll be more motivated to stop lawyering and making thousands upon thousands of dollars more than the rest of us, and start getting his priorities straight- Fantasy Football!!!

Oh, so you remember how I told you there'd be two parts to this Draft Order Post? No, I've written so much and you've had to stop reading because your boss has looked over your shoulder at your computer screen, like, three times now, so, yeah, what were we talking about again?

Well, its what's on all our minds-- Draft Slot Selection Order!!

 

So, long story short (it's late and I'm tired), DSSO (as I'm now calling it), means that each manager will be able to select the Draft Pick that individual manager thinks is the strongest slot. So, using the first format I mentioned above (the one where Punisher gets First DSSO) order i mentioned, instead of Punisher AUTOMATICALLY having the First Overall Pick, and therefore the 24th Overall Pick (snake draft folks, snake draft), he gets to pick whichever Draft Slot he wants (making sense?).

 Let's say Punisher doesn't really think there's a big difference between the first four consensus players going off the board in most mock drafts (AP, Shady McCoy, Jamaal Charles, and Matt Forte), and really wants Peyton Manning and he thinks he'll drop to the 5th Draft Slot. So instead of being forced into 1st and 24, he'll select 5th, then 20th (the 8th pick in the Second Round) where he's got a better chance at that RB he's got his eye. 

Some managers prefer drafting at the 12th Slot (called "The Turn" in snake drafts... for you non-Fantasy Football nerds). They get to immediately make their next selection (the 13th, or the first pick in the second round), and only have to worry about getting their sleepers getting poached once every two rounds. 

Just to show how little highest draft order matters, this is the draft order from last year:

1- Zombie Trayvon - 9th in regular season

2- Way Over DUE - 6th PLAYOFFS

3- Pinga Dulce - 10th in regular season

4- The Analrapists - 11th in regular season

5- FlyEaglesFly - 4th PLAYOFFS

6- Hernadez Hit List -3rd PLAYOFFS

7- Tobias's Queen Mary -8th in regular season

8- Li Jets - 1st- CHAMPION

9- Punisher - 12th BUM

10- My Balls Hurt - 7th in regular season

11- The Screwitups - 2nd FINALS

12- Pink Juice - 5th PLAYOFFS

Of the first four picks, only ONE team made the playoffs. Higher draft picks don't necessarily translate into on the field success.

Okay, so that was a lot. Let me know what you think we should for draft order this year. And do it fast. Once we determine DSSO, I need to figure out how to get everyone's Slot Selections in a timely manner. I want them in a week before the draft.

Bill, prayer is important, but God isn't listening.

NEW SEASON----> NEW RULES!!!

                                 
                                    



Welcome Concussed,

I hope all our brain injuries have healed from the previous year and we're ready for a fresh one, because the fantasy football season is upon us.

Last year I (YOUR new assistant commissioner... Jeff finally got laid, and of course, he got her pregnant, so he'll be a little busy) brought up some crazy new possible setups for our league, and I'll bring up some new ones for discussion, and, after the big guy's approval, I'll just change some. Some of these ideas I've done in other leagues that were wildly popular, some I've just heard about and sound fun. Think of it as that sex move you learned from your crazy ex-girlfriend. Just because Puddy's using the same move, doesn't mean Jerry should quit using it. 
How Jeff's balls must feel. He says they hurt.

1) Playoff Format

- LAST YEAR- we take the top six 


teams based on Win-Loss Record, with tie breaker being total points scored throughout the season. 

-IDEA- separate the league into three, four team divisions. Play everybody in your division twice (just like the NFL). Play everybody else once. If you win your division based on TOTAL Win-Losses throughout the season, you automatically make the playoffs (just like the NFL). That leaves three "Wild Card Spots" up for grabs. Give the last three playoff spots to THE BEST THREE REMAINING TEAMS i.e. the teams that scored the highest total amount of points throughout the season.

REASON ITS FUN- You still have all the fun of weekly head-to-head match-ups. That doesn't change. We all love to trash talk with Jeff and his ailing balls the week we go up against him. The schedule can be manipulated to make sure the last three games of the year are against your division mates...making the last three games CRUCIAL. You can possibly go on a three game winning streak against your division to make the playoffs, or crash and burn. Our rivalries within divisions will soon be just like the NFC East. It's awesome. 

The "Wild Card Spots" will also now go to the teams that DESERVE to make the playoffs. We all know how arbitrary fantasy football can seem at times... because it is. Those weeks when you put up 180 points and destroy everybody in the league... except your opponent who put up 182. Because he has Peyton Manning. And the fucking seven touchdowns he threw. That blows. Your team didn't suck.

This "softens" the blow of losing that week, because it adds to your total points for the year. Think of it as a silver lining. This also guarantees that the BEST fantasy football teams each year make the playoffs, not just the luckiest. Only drawback... in order to play EVERYBODY in the league, every year, we'd have to play the finals in Week 17. Just a heads up. We can do this format AND NOT play everybody, every year, if that's a major sticking point to you. Think about it. I like this one. If you don't vote for anything else, vote for this one. Or I'll just ask Jeff to do it regardless of what you think. Because this is a good idea.

2) Keeper League

-LAST YEAR- Redraft everybody

-IDEA- Keep UP TO three players from last season. You wouldn't be forced to keep players if your team sucks or is getting old, but you can keep UP TO three, at three different positions i.e. QB, RB, or WR/TE (in case you wanted to keep Graham, Gronkowski, or Thomas at TE). This just helps add identity to your team and allows you to build your team, kind of.

Here's the hitch- You CANNOT keep any player drafted in the first or second round. We still want the first round of the draft to matter. It's fun when the majority of the best players are thrown back into the draft every year. What you can do, is keep anybody else, but with with this condition-- You forfeit the draft pick two rounds ahead of where that particular player was drafted the year before. And that continues each year until he's a "below" the first round (ie you gave up your first or second round pick the previous year). 

For example: Lets say you got lucky enough to draft Eddie Lacy in the fourth round last year...bad ass pick. He's going in many mock drafts in the first round! Well, you can forfeit your second round pick and "draft" Eddie Lacy with that pick. You don't have to, but you can. Maybe you picked up Nick Foles in free agency last year. Good for you. Stud. We have a 15 round draft as of right now. We count free agent pick ups (they have to be on your team roster at the end of the year of course) as a "16th Round Pick". That means you CAN (if you so desire) forfeit your 14th round draft pick this year and keep Nick Foles instead.

REASON ITS FUN- STRATEGERY! Those bad ass middle-to-late round draft picks you made last year still matter. You had a feeling about Keenan Allen. So you took him late... like 12th round late. And you can be rewarded for that for the next FIVE years if he becomes a super stud (by giving up your 10th this year, your 8th the following, 6th the next, then 4th, then 2nd... you HAVE to give him up after that). You also have offseason drama to debate. Who should I keep? Should I keep Tony Romo and give up my 2nd round pick? Will his back hold up? Is he worth a second round pick? Dilemmas=FUN!

3) Scoring and Roster Changes

LAST YEAR-
A. Decimal Scoring
B. 4-point passing TDs
C. Fumbles not lost -.5 points
D. Interceptions -1 point
E. 3 point bonus at 350 yards passing
F. 1 point bonus at 125 yards rushing
G. 1 point bonus at 125 yards receiving
H. Pick sixes thrown -2 points
I. 40 yard receptions for a TD bonus 3 points
J. No non-QB flex slot
K. Two WR Slots
L. Six bench slots

THIS YEAR-
A. Integer Scoring
B. 6-point passing TDs
C. Only fumbles lost will result in -2 points
D. Interceptions -4 points
E. 4 point bonus at 400 yards passing
F. No bonus for 125 yards rushing, but 4 points at 200 yards
G. No bonus for 125 yards receiving, but 4 points at 200 yards
H. No additional points lost for pick six
I. No additional bonus for 40 yd TD receptions
J. Additional RB/WR/TE flex slot
K. Additional WR slot (total of three WRs HAVE to start each week)
L. Add a 7th bench slot

REASONS THEY'RE FUN
A. Trust me, I'm a huge fan of making fantasy football as close to "real football" as possible, but in this particular instance, I'm going to be a hypocrite. Yes, if your player rushes for 85 yards, I understand he should get credit for EIGHTY FIVE YARDS! But decimal scoring is sooooooo fucking annoying. It's tedious. It makes the screen look busy when I'm checking stat tracker. It blows. I know at least a few of you are on board for this one. And, quite honestly, there's something fun about sitting on 98 yards rushing from Arian Foster at the end of the fourth quarter, and SCREAMING at Bill O'Brien to call a run play so Arian can break 100 yards, and you can get those additional three points.

B. Touchdowns are worth 6 points. Everywhere. In every league. At every level. At Pop Warner Level. Except in a handful of fantasy football leagues. And no longer our league. Duh.

C. Fumbles only hurt if you lose the ball. Same goes for us.

D. Interceptions are devastating in "real football". They should be devastating in fantasy football too. Plus, this will help balance out the 6 points for passing TDs rule, and make sure QBs aren't TOO valuable. And it will definitely make you think about pulling the trigger during the draft for Eli Manning this year (unless that trigger you're pulling is Plaxico Burress's Smith and Wesson pointed AT Eli Manning... then it should be easy).

E. You already get a bonus at 300 yards. Getting 3 points for an additional 50 seems excessive. But if your QB breaks the 400 yard marker, that's a big deal. Let's make that a big deal. 4 points, plus the 2 point bonus at 300 yards means your QB basically gets a full TD bonus. Seems fair.

F. Too much for too little. He'll get a bonus at 150 yards rushing yards of 2 points. That's a damn good game. And if you break 200 yards rushing... well, bravo sir. I think an additional 4 points is in order for such a feat of manliness.

G. Ditto for receiving.

H. Your QB threw a pick. You lost 4 freaking points for it. If the Def runs it back for a TD, no need adding insult to injury. Your boy is embarrassed enough. We don't need to rub it in.

I. Too many freaking bonuses already. If AJ Green catches a 45 yard TD pass, he's getting 12 points on the play (there's already a 2 point bonus for any reception over 40 yards). That's enough.

J. Right now, the QB/RB/WR/TE flex spot is basically just for QBs. Only if you're desperate would you play another position. So lets get some of these guys off the bench and into our starting lineup! Most leagues have a RB/WR/TE flex spot, and now we do too. This one's non-negotiable. Bitches.

K. This is fun because you get to play that super sleeper WR on the Browns you've been eyeing. This would make us a pretty deep league. Only for studs. You're a stud, right? I thought so.

L. Because injuries suck. We can discuss this if everybody goes up in arms, but I don't think this will kill the waiver wires. There will be plenty of talent left out there.

DRAFT DATE!!!!

So right now, our draft is scheduled for Thursday, August 28th at 5 pm. That seems like it could be a rough time for everybody, especially if we have any West Coast managers (Bill, that means you).

I'm going to suggest NEW DRAFT TIME of TUES, Sept 2 @ 9 PM. That will be after Labor Day Weekend, but only two days before the regular starts. Hopefully that shouldn't complicate any travel plans. Email me if that doesn't work, and provide me with all days and times you are UNAVAILABLE. Let's get this set ASAP.

Dues:
Alright, we got to get our money in earlier this year. I'm the guiltiest from last year, having just now paid Jeff. BUT, I already paid for this year's! Its $50 dudes. You got it. Just give it. Make a check now, and mail it to Jeff BEFORE Sept. 4. That's first day of the season. Get it in. You've been warned.

Make checks to:

Jeffrey Grant
5357 Hawthorne Woods Way
Naples, FL 34116

Payouts:
This is up for discussion. The total pot is $600 bucks. I'm a fan of third place getting their money back ($50), and second place getting twice that ($100). I tend to think the Overall Point Scoring Leader at the end of the Regular Season should be rewarded. $50 seems reasonable. After all, there's a good chance he'll finish in the top three anyway and make more money. That leaves $400 to the winner, and I think that's a pretty darn good bounty. This is money though. And money matters. So I'm up for a vote/discussion on this one. Let me know via email what you think folks.

Alright kids, I wrote WAY more a couple weeks ago, and tried to send it in an email through Yahoo! Sports to y'all. And it only sent 1/10th. And I couldn't recover the other 9/10ths. I was heartbroken. And ticked. So, bookmark this page and check it regularly for updates. I have a whole playoff loser's bracket system to determine draft order for next year that will keep everyone playing through the end of the season, AND will prevent any tanking games to get a better draft spot. Not that anybody would ever DO that in this league. Right?

And this will be the primary mode of communication. If something happens, or changes, and you say you didn't know about it... it's on you. Bitches.